Scars of War
by Me-Alyce
Summary: A story about Jay and how he deal with war PTSD, and how Erin and the rest of the unit will help him to get through this. I don't know what else to write but I hope you will like it.
1. You can never forget

**_Like the summary said it's a story about war PTSD. Something I would really love to see in the show. I will also put some things I would like to see about Halstead's childhood so it all come from my imagination. Also I apologize for the mistake, I tried to correct the most but well I'm a little frenchie so some time you must read some mistake. Sorry again for that. _**

**_I will tried to post a new chapter every week. _****_Anyway. I hope you will like it. Enjoy. :)_**

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Sitting in the corner of his bedroom, his knees pressed on his chest, his tears running down his cheeks letting a salty taste on his lips, his eyes were burning him. His hands were shaking as he breath loudly. It was four in the morning and the though detective wasn't sleeping since hours. He wasn't able to close eyes without seeing the dead bodies of children, woman, man, without seeing the blood everywhere and the limb of his friends all over the sand.

Two weeks. Two weeks that every night Jay Halstead crouched in the same corner of his bedroom cover by a cold sweat. He need help, he know that but he can't talk about war for now. It's to earlier for him. He wasn't ready to see people looking at him differently, he wasn't ready to read the compassion in his friends eyes because he for sure not deserve it. He killed in Afghanistan, he killed in this country who did nothing wrong to him. His hand are soiled by the blood of the people he killed. Sometime when he look at his hands, they are covered by the blood. He tried to wash them but the blood doesn't disappears. It's like his guilt. Whatever he do, the guilt his still here in his mind killing him slowly day by day. Jay drowned and he will soon not be able to resurface. The water will gradually take place in his lungs, he will suffocates and will died knowing that he could have been saved but was to proud and stubborn to say that he ever needed. Today didn't help at all. During their case a kid was shot in front of him. He was eleven maybe twelve but not more. This kid remind him something he would have like to forget. But he can't, it's haunt him, ghost exist and daemons to. At least Jay possesses many. How long he will be able to hide this ? How long Jay will be able to lie to say _"I'm alright."_ Because everyone in the district know that Jay wasn't like usual but they don't know how bad he is and why. It's only a matter of time before Dawson, Voight and Lindsay find out. After all no matter how hard he will tried to hide it, the truth will come out, but he wasn't ready to say those words. "I need help". He wasn't ready to let people in and to talk about war. It was to earlier. Even after nine years after his return, it was still to earlier. The fear of loosing his friends if he ever confess to them was there. How Erin will look at him after that ? He can't lose her. Even if a small part of him knows that she will never judge him he was still scared.

After long hours siting here, thinking about everything he decide to go. He had a cold shower before get dressed and go outside. It was a cold and dark night. No stars in the sky. He took him some seconds before his eyes finally adjust to the darkness of the night. He walk an hours in the cold to stop in front of a cemetery military. Were many of his friends rest in peace. He walk in the cemetery and after several minutes he laid on the floor watching at the dark sky like he did so many times when he was in Afghanistan.

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Like every morning since two weeks, Jay was the first arrived. Sitting behind his desk again lost in his mind it's took him a minutes before before seeing that Erin was here to. She smile at him like she does every morning. So he smile to, but it was a mask. He just put a mask on his face and like that no one will ever notice how bad he feel. But he wasn't stupid at all, he know that Erin is not blind.

"You alright, you seems...somewhere else."

"I'm alright." He lied.

"Well...if you ever need to talk remember that I'm here. I'm your friend Jay."

"What make you think I need to talk ?" He ask her.

"I'm not blind, and the others either." Erin said calmy waling toward him.

"I'm fine." Jay whispered avoiding any eyes contact with his partner. Because he know that the minutes he will catch her eyes he will not be able to lie, to fake that everything is alright. Her glance destabilizes him, because Erin Lindsay as ability to make destabilizes him only with her eyes. "You know I appreciate you worry about me but I'm fine. Take care of your fireman instead of me." Once again Jay was pushing people away when he need them the most. During a few seconds they look at each other without saying anything. The silence take place between them.

"You're not here. Your mind is somewhere else and I would lie if I say that I feel safe if you. Whatever the problem is, it's affect your job. I'm your partner need to know that you have my back but...you clearly not. It's going to end bad if you continue to push people away when they just want to help..."

"I don't need and don't want to be help." Jay yell in the office as he got up of his chair. "I'm a big boy Erin, I don't need help. I don't need your help. I can handle it." He walk away from her, letting a shock Erin in the office.

She never saw him like this. Jay never talk to her like that before. For the first time, since she now him, she fell her heart broke in peaces. It's broke her how he push her away. It's the second time. He need to her in. She did. She tried to understand what was going with him, why he was so disrupted and absent at work and after work, why his eyes reflect all the times this sadness that made her bad, why he looks so broken ? She has no answer. All she knows is that her partner is in serious trouble but doesn't want to admit it.

"I heard someone yelling what happened ?" Antonio ask her as he walk toward her a little worried.

"Halstead." She answer. "I tried to talk to him but he became furious. I never saw him like that before. What's going on with him ?"

"Don't know. He don't talk to anyone. But maybe he don't want to so...At the beginning I was thinking it was nothing but as the time passed I start to think that he slowly let his his trouble drowning him."

"It's become dangerous." Atwater said as he sat on his desk crossing his arms on his chest. "I don't want to disrespect him but he become dangerous. It's like his body are here with us but his mind is gone somewhere else." Lindsay and Dawson nodded without saying anything. Slowly all the unit arrived and Ruzek start to talk about the game he watch last night. When Jay came back from the locker room and walk toward his desk faking a smile to his coworker. He was good at faking. He was really good. He did it all his childhood and every time he came back from war. He become really good at it but this times it was different. Something was different. Him. All the pain, the guilt he tried to repressed become more intense and painful with the years. He should have talk but he wasn't ready, he will maybe never be ready.

"Alright listen up everybody." Voight said clapping in his hand to attire the attention of his detective. "Yesterday wasn't a good day for us. A kid was killed I know it's shock for everyone but we have to live with and continue to do are job." Then he enter in his office and close the door behind him.

"Live with ? Seriously ? That's all." Ruzek said. "Yesterday I saw the dead bodies of a kid. He was...ten..."

"You watch the game last night, prove that it doesn't affect you that much." Jay cut him without looking at him. His eyes were still focus on his computer. "If you were really affect by what happen to this kid, you wouldn't have watch the game trust me."

"I think a good cop is a cop when he can leave and forget the bad things he saw or did. Who can sleep during the night. Who think about the job when he work not at home."

"You can never forget" He yelled for the second time of the day. He take him a minutes to calm himself down. For about a second he close his eyes then sat in his chair thinking about everything but he suddenly opened his eyes when their faces appear in his mind. He could see them. The one he killed, the one he didn't saved, they where all in his mind. Those face were his demons from his past and his nightmare during the night, and the ghost who keep him awake during the night.

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**_So what do you think ? Tell me in the review and if you guys have any subjection for the next chapter you can tell. :)_**


	2. Please god forgive me for my sins

**_Thank you guys for all the review. It's mean a lot really. :) Thank you to all of you. So here the new chapter, I hope you will like it. I know I said I will update every week but well I have so much idea for this story...it's crazy. I wanted also to say that this story will sometimes being a bit hard. After all it's about PTSD and I tried to be realistic as possible. _****_Anyway enjoy this chapter. :) _**

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She wasn't blind, she saw the game that Jay play every day. And today he play again to a dangerous "game". Pretending and faking everything, faking that everything was alright, faking this smile on his face. Erin could even tell that he was really good at faking, to pretend, to lie. During the day she observed every move he makes, every words he said. But his glance lost somewhere and this sadness in his eyes betrayed him. Her partner was good at faking, but his eyes don't lie. They reflect the truth of his feelings, and during the day she tried to dig what Jay hide. Why he tried so badly to buried the reason of his behavior. It's only when they finally put their suspect in custody that she noticed something. His hands were shaking, his eyes were red as he had cried all night long and didn't sleep at all. After two weeks it's was the first time she ever notice that.

When she sat at his desk right in front of him she watch her partner doing some paper work. He was focus, and didn't take his eyes off the papers one second. She can't go home and let him alone. She had the feeling that the only thing he did at home is drink. That he may be drowns his sorrows in alcohol.  
She suddenly take the initiate to finally discover what he tried to hide since two weeks. And as she can't focus on her work she got up and grab her jacket and walk toward jay's desk.

"Want to come to the Molly's tonight join the others. I buy." She smile at him as he finally raised his head to looking at her. "Or we could also go to my place and talk." He star at her as he opened his mouth but no words come out. "Come on Jay, tell me what's wrong." She whispered as she sat on his desk. "You were here for me every time I needed someone so let me be here for you."

"I...I wanted to visit some friends and maybe my mom to so..." He said calmy. "I don't know. And...it's...it's a bad day you know and I don't think alcohol will ever help me to get through this."

"The kid yesterday ?" She ask even if she already knows the answer. "But it's been a while know Jay. You're not fine and you know that, you need help to get through this, like you said and you know it, but you just don't want to admit it. Just...just tell me how I can help you."

"You can't" He whispered instantly without even thinking about what he was saying. "Listen I'm fine now so...please...leave me alone."

"I'm not leaving you." Erin said as she cross her arms on her chest. She could tell by the look in his eyes that he was not surprise. He suddenly looked down to the ground and remind silence. When he looked up to her she could see in his eyes that he was glad she said those words. It's maybe comfort him.

"I don't want to argue with Ruzek again or hear him talk about how well he deal with the people he killed, I don't want to hear him that he sleep like a baby like he did this afternoon, I don't want to see you with your fireman, I don't...I don't you to see me when I'm weak, I' don't want to judge me..."

"Hey...Hey..."She said she place her hands on his shoulder. "I'm not gonna judge you, never. You heard me ? Never"

He tried to say something however, no words come out his lips. He was suddenly dumb. He just look at her, lips sailed as his eyes start to burning him again. He should have let his tears flow on his face, this time was the right time to let her in. But again he wasn't ready. _"I will never be ready"_ He thought as his eyes were now focus on the grown. Then out of the blue he got up and grab his jacket. "I want a scotch, you paid." After all he consider needed this drink.

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Tonight the Molly's was in fire, some people where dancing others where laughing and drinking. In the corner, Ruzek, Dawson and Atwater where talking to Severide and a blond girl. Slowly they walk toward them and sat next to them. His glass of scotch in front of him Jay wasn't listening at all. He was lost in his mind which slowly gone in Afghanistan, this country which was put to fire and blood. For about a minutes he close his eyes, and he was there. He could see everything, to the starry sky he loved to admire during the night to the dead bodies all over the sand who become red because of the blood. When a hand arose on his shoulder he jumps of his chair his heart pouting on his chest. "Hey calm down man it's just me." Dawson said as the others where looking at him oddly. "Damn you scared me, why you look at me like that ? Stop it." He said harshly as he raise his glass of scotch to his lips and drink all the amber liquid.

"Hey you're alright ?" Severide inquired him after some minutes.

"Why do you care ?" Jay turn his head to face with the fireman on his left, jaw clenched. He had nothing against him but tonight, it's different. Maybe he wouldn't act the same way if he wasn't dating Erin, but in fact Jay his furious about everyone. He want someone to blame, someone to hate, he want someone to romp. For the moment he can't repressed his anger as he repressed his guild of everything but soon enough it will blown up. It will drag him at the bottom of the ocean and he will drowning. "I...I gotta go." He said as he got up. "You leave already. It's only nine, come on man." Ruzek said and immediately regret it when he met the dark squinted eyes of Halstead. However he didn't say anything he contented himself to passing a hand over his face before leaving the bar.

He walk through the night rubbing his hands together. His eyes watering, his vision was blurry but he keep walking but he keep walking. He wanted to see them. So once again in the middle of the night Jay Halstead was alone in this cemetery military but this time he start to talk to his dead brothers and sisters it maybe seems crazy or absurd but it comfort him. Once again he found himself lying down on the grown letting his tears fall. He finally lowered his guard but he was alone. Alone in the dark in this cemetery wondering how he could ever talk to someone about all those things he did and saw in Afghanistan and when he will be ready to finally admit that he need help. The guilt of being alive, as his friend died, never leave him. And being here, in this cemetery remind him how much he lost, how hard and complicated is it to live with this weight on his shoulders. At this moment Jay wanted just one thing, someone who would hold him in his arms without saying a words ands asking question. Someone who will just hold him and nothing more. "Please god forgive me for my sins." His voice resounded in the quiet of the night as hi broke down in silence.

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**_So what do you think ? Tell me in the review. Any subjection for what you want to see in the next chapters._**


	3. Talk to me

**_Here we go, the third chapter is here. So as I already finish to write the chapter four and started the chapter five and that I start my work experience on Monday I decide to post the chapter tree today, because I don't know if I will have so much to write after. Again thank you all of you for the review. _**

**_Hope you will enjoy this new chapter._**

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**_Chapter tree: Talk to me._**

She was finally ready to sleep. She finally find the peace in her to close her eyes and stop worrying about Jay. She slowly rose from her couch as she rubbed her eyes and lied on her bed. It was nearly midnight when she turn off the light. And the same time she her a loud knock at her door. She jump from her bed, her heart pounding in her chest by the surprise. Erin put the blanket out of her and get out of her bed mumbled that if it wasn't something important she would kill the person who was standing in front of her door for prevent her to sleep. When she open the door she face with her partner. He was standing in front of her with trembling lips. His eyes were not like usual, they were red and his checks were wet by the tears. It was the first time ever that she saw Jay as vulnerable. It's break her heart when she saw the tears flowing down his checks. She let him in and he walk dragging his feet toward her couch and sit. Erin sat next to him and arose her hand on his back as the other grab his shaking hands.

"Talk to me." She whispered as she stroke his back gently.

"Can you take me in you arms ?" He begged quickly without looking at her as he voice broke down at the end.

Slowly she passed her arms around him and hugged him tight. She pressed her body against him to make him fell safe, to maybe make him fell better but when she heard him moaning she realize that he was crying in her arms and there was nothing she do because she don't even the reason those tears. She contempt herself to passed her hand up and down his back and whispering several _"I'm here"_ in his ear. She even placed a soft kiss on his wet check expecting him to finally calm down but he didn't.

His head on Erin's chest the tears flowing down his face he was glad that she don't ask him anything and tried to comfort him. It was all he wanted and needed. He need her to get through this. But again he wasn't ready to tell her everything he wasn't ready yet even if he know that she will not judge him. Jay could fell Erin's hand stroking his back and his hair as she gently kiss his checks again as she mumble _"I'm here, I'm here, It's gonna be ok, I'm here Jay." _anew. Slowly he raise his head to met her glance. He could see how broken she was to see him like that.

"Can I...can I stay with you tonight I...I don't want to be alone."

"Of course you can." She smile gently.

Jay take of his jacket and follow Erin to her bedroom and sat on her bed his eyes focus at the view his window give them. He keep his eyes open and look the sky for some minutes. "I love your place, there is light all the time. Mine is so much darker." He said without looking at her. Then he close his eyes as his passed his hands on his face. As every time he could see them. And he remembered what someone said to him when he came back from Afghanistan. _"Did you kill anyone ?"_ Jay remembered how ashamed he was by this question and by the smile on the face of this person. _"Of course you did, you're a hero man. Thanks for your service." _Those words resounded in his mind again and again as he wonder how people can be so insane to ask something like that. He already have to live with the guilt every day and this sentence is not helping him. How can he be a hero ? He take life. So many life, and sometimes he wasn't even able to save his friends. "I should be dead." He said watching at the people at the sky. He feel Erin sat next to him. "I should be dead." He repeat.

"jay...talk to me" She gently took his hand in the hope that he finally confide something to her but he withdrew his hand. "You know you can tell me everything."

Jay look at her and shook his head. "I can't...I can't...I can't." he said many times as he felt his vision become blurred. "I can't."

"Alright, it's not a problem." She said taking his head in his hands. "You should tried to sleep, you're exhausted."

He stare at her for a few seconds a bit septic but he finally lied on her bed. He breath loudly wondering how it will end. Will he will tried to rejoin his departed bothers and sisters or he will be able to live again. For the moment he will content to pretend that everything is alright when he will go to work tomorrow morning. Even if Erin know something. After all he will for sure not be able to fake no longer, now that he cried in Lindsay's arms. But he's not ready to talk about war, not yet.

"You stay with me ?"

"I'm not going anywhere." She replied as she lied next to him holding him tightly. She watch him closing his eyes and even if she know he wasn't sleeping he was finally calm. She passed her hand on his checks wondering what was going on in his mind. Wondering why he doesn't to talk about it and why it's make him so fragile and weak. Since she know Jay, she never saw like that. But whatever the problem she will be there for him like he always did in the past for her. She's not gonna let him sink.

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At around tree in the morning Jay start to move in his sleep, he was sweaty as he move his head to the right and to the left. It took her a minutes to realize that he was having a bad dream. "Don't...don't." He whispered in his sleep as Erin tried to wake him up. "Jay...Jay...wake up." Suddenly he open his eyes and straightened on the bed breathless. His hands were shaking so Erin carefully take them in hers. He lean on her and she take him in her arms. "It's just a bad dream, you're safe here." She didn't know what to say but she hope those words comfort him. At this moment she realize how serious his problem was. Her partner was in serious trouble and for the moment he refuse to say anything. He closes on himself, believing that no one can help him.

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_**So what do think of this chapter ? Any subjection for the next chapters ? Let me know. :)**_


	4. Bad day

**_So first I have to tell you that I have nothing against Ruzek. You will understand when you will have read the chapter. But I thought it was necessary. _**

**_Anyway enjoy this chapter. :)_**

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**_Chapter four: Bad day_**

Jay was lean against his desk, his arms cross on his check listening as carefully as he can Voight talking about the new case. He do his best but he could feel Erin's eyes staring at him during some minutes now. After this morning and he had his nightmare Erin tries to talk to him. He know that she will not be able to forgetting last night. How he cried in her arms and how she comfort him during the night. But he wasn't ready. Wasn't ready to talk, to see how her look will change when she will know everything. Because even if he know that she will never judge him, her look will for sure change. Halstead was once again lost in his mind. He stop listening Voight for about a minute. He start to remember the fight he had yesterday with Ruzek and how his behavior begins to be dangerous. Lindsay is right and he know it. He is not here. His mind is constantly in Afghanistan. The sound of Voight voice bring him back to the reality.

"Halstead are you listening to me ?"

"I am." He replied.

"Pull yourself together Halstead I want you at 100% so if your are not you go home."

At first he didn't say anything because he wasn't at 100% and he wasn't focus on his job. He open his mouth to say something but no words come out. He should go home. It would be the best thing to do for the unit. But if he go home, he will be alone and Jay start to wondering if he wasn't going to do a mistake if he stay alone too long. All his memory would resurface and he would finish his day curled up in a corner of his bedroom questioning himself a thousand of query. And what happen if he keep his gun with him. Jay breath loudly preferring to not think about this eventuality because after all he knows aptly what would happen. The hours past and Dawson call everyone telling that they have a witness. They all rush to their car and drive to the address of this witness. When they arrived run to the house. Jay knock at the door as it was open he enter. In the lounge the the vision of this teenager sat on his couch a gun in his hand . Jay had suddenly the printing to see himself.

"Don't...don't." The young man said as he start to cried.

"Hey...calm down and give me that gun." Jay whispered to calm him down.

"I'm tired." He yelled the tears drowning on his face.

"We just want to ask you some questions about what you see." Lindsay said.

"I said I was tired."

"You know it's not the solution of your problems ?" Jay tell him.

"I will miss anyone."

"Don't say that." He said in a whispered. "I'm Jay and you ?"

"Marty."

"Alright Marty, can you please put the gun down." He said as calmy as he could.

"I want to leave. I can't anymore. Why no one is helping me ? Why ?" He screame.

"I will help Marty if you want still want to."

"It's to late." He said in a whispered

The teenager don't say anything and raise is hand and place his gun against his temple and press the trigger. The blood splattered all over his face. Jay didn't need that today. He already feel so bad he really didn't needed that. He slowly walk toward him and knelt next to his dead body. "Why" He mumble to himself. When he finally got up he face with Voight who was looking at him with the same facial expression. The room remind silence, no one dare saying something. Jay watch everyone, his partner had her mouth wide open as Atwater had his eyes popping. "He didn't have to do that." Jay hissed at his left the house. Slowly they all join him outside.

"So the person that could help us his dead. It's awesome really awesome. What do we do now ?" Ruzek fumed as he look at Voight.

"His dead, he killed himself in front of you." Halstead said ashamed by his reaction.

"Stop make me look for the man who feel nothing. What do you have those days Halstead ? Why do you act like a jerk everyday ? It's begin to get odd." He argue. "And just for you to know I just never had any compassion for those coward who committed suicide Halstead that's all."

A coward. His sentence resound in his mind a few times. Jay feel the anger going through his vains as clenched his fists. "What did you just say ?" Jay require outraged by this word. He slowly walk toward Adam who make a step back as he raised his hand in the air. "Hey man calm down that just what..." He didn't let him the time to finish his sentence and pushed him harshly. "I'm tired of your selfishness. Repeat what you just said...come one say it again."

"Halstead calm down." Voight yelled as he tried to take him away.

"Let go of me." He said. Voight let him knowing that it will maybe end badly. "Listen carefully Ruzek. Don't you dare saying that again you heard me. I don't care about what you think, you never say that again in front of me. I did everything I had in my power for this country, I killed, I suffer like you can't never imagine. I served and protect my country, your country. After all I did...I was brave...I think. And I was brave enough to press the trigger but it didn't work. So if suddenly the desire of treat someone who committed suicide a coward remember that you calling me a coward too after serving this country, because I couldn't carry on to live with what I had done and saw back then." His voice was a whispered. He wasn't even sure if Adam heard the last words that came out of his mouth. Jay felt his vision become blurry but he hold back his tears and turned to see the others of the team. He look at them like nothing happen and make his way to his car sitting in the passenger seat. When Erin seat behind the wheel Jay could feel her persist glance on him.

"Stop it...and please...don't ask...just...just drive." He voice was only a whispered.

The former soldier laid his head on the glass and close his eyes. He didn't needed that. The kid who kill himself and his fight with Ruzek. How he is suppose to be better if all he see remind him bad memories ? Will he be better one day ? Will he tried again ? All those question remained unanswered. Jay knows that he start to drowning slowly and it's become dangerous. He will soon not be able to swim because he will be to tired to fight.

During their way to the district Erin watch her partner sadly. She was worrie about him. How she was suppose to help him when she don't even what the problem his ? Of course like the others she heard what he said to Adam. Shock isn't to powerful to say how surprise she is. The man whitch is seat next to her, her partner, maybe the toughest guy she will ever know tried to killed himself. But after all how is she to judge him, she doesn't know what he been through. At this time she start to think that he like that because of his military time. She slowly turn her head to looking at her parnter, he look so peaceful, his eyes close and his head rest on the glace.

Whatever the problem is Jay is in bad state and Erin began to fear he will do a mistake. What if he trie again. She can't let it happen. She can't lose him. She need him but for the moment it's Jay who need her, he need her help but for that he need to let her in.

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**_What did you guys thought about his chapter ? Any subjection for the next chapters ? _**


	5. Freedom

**_So first I'm really, really really sorry that it take me so much time to post a new chapter. I already finish the chapter six and seven so you will not have to wait to long.  
_**

**_ Thank you to bella.0416 for correct this chapter, big thank you to you._**

**_ A_****_gain thank you for all the review. :)_** I love you all, enjoy this chapter. :) 

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**_Chapter five: Freedom _**

After the recent event, Antonio convinced everyone, even Jay, to have a drink at Molly's. They were all sat at this table without talking. "Maybe it wasn't a such good idea after all." Jay heard Antonio whispering. They looked at each other before he focused his glance on his bottle of beer again wondering if alcohol was the answer to all his questions. Of course it wasn't. He know knew that more than everybody in this world. Freedom, nine years ago he thought death was freedom, his only welcome to finally not be haunted by his demons, to rejoin his brothers andsisters who died. "Why I'm still alive ?" The question has been torturing his mind since a long time now. Everyday, when he look at his broken reflection in the mirrors Jay wonder the same things. "Why I'm still alive ? Why they died but not me ? Why I fire on this kid ? He didn't do anything wrong" This kid. What he could say about him ? He didn't even know his name and he died in his arms because of him, because he had a misjudgment. After his fight with Ruzek, Jayfelt the persistent glance of his coworker on him. Since they sad here he felt uncomfortable. Uncomfortable with them knowing that he tried to end his life. They don't understand and they never will. They weren't in Afghanistan with him, they don't see what war brings. They don't have to fight for their life every seconds and even if they all lost a partner, no one lost as much as he did.

"Why is no one talking? It's awkward." Burgess smiled as she joined them.

"Bad day." Jay replied without looking at her, his. eyes still focused on his beer.

"Hmm. Me too."

A long silence take place between them. Once again no one dared to say something. "Are they afraid of my reaction ?" Jay question himself as he breathed loudly. It was a heavy silence. And the silence make him more uncomfortable that he was before. He could tell just by there looks that where worried about him. Since when ? His fight with Ruzek ? Since that something change in there looks. It wasn't judgment shock that him Jay Halstead tried to committ suicide. It's proof that they don't know him that much. He is not as strong as they think.

"Aren't we supposed to drink to forget."

"Alcohol will not help you trust me. What happened ?" Jay ask her gently.

"You're sure ?" She smiled.

"I never use alcohol as a answer to my problem, because I saw the damage alcohol cause." He respond seriously as he remind of his dad and how violent he was with him and his mom all his childhood.

"As a soldier (…) how did you deal with death ?"

Halstead looks at her surprise by her question and bit his bottom lips. "Generally I...it was bad, you know, really bad. I was violent with...everyone who wanted to talk to me. But slowly death become a part of you, because it's everywhere during war. We all have our things to deal with death though it's always though and painful. Whether it's your friend or a civilian...as the years pass more it's difficult to deal with because there is always something that will remind you that. All those feelings, the pain, the guilt, is what make you human, if one day you feel nothing after killing someone you should be worry because it's not normal." He said sincerely. He was honest because it's what will help her. "The only advice I can tell you is to talk. Don't do the same mistake than me, talk to someone, confide him your pain. Don't keep your lips sealed." He finish his sentence in a whisper.

"Itstill hurts you ?" She asked him, forgetting about her coworker.

"I always thought if I didn't talk about my problems they would go away. But I was wrong I should have talk about...what keep me awake." Jay said his eyes lost somewhere, he wasn't here with them anymore. He could still answering her question but he was lost. Lost in his mind, lost in the desert. After all this years he is still lost in the desert.

"It's why you act differently ?" She hesitated.

"Differently...did your boyfriend told you something about today ?" Jay asked her harshly referring as Ruzek as her boyfriend.

"He's not...we...he didn't tell me anything."

"Well smile Ruzek you will have a good subject to talk about with your girl tonight." The former soldier snapped as he got up then left the bar without looking at his coworker. At this moment he has no clue how he could ever live again. After walking a few minutes, Jay sat on the floor in the cold rubbing his hands together. His eyes were burning him, his hands where now shaking but not because of the cold because of him, of what he did.

He suddenly remembered the day he tried to end his life. And he was scared, scared of wanting the exact same things that nine years ago. Freedom. "what does that even mean ?" Is death freedom, his freedom ? He surprise himself wishing to died...again. Maybe it was the only way ? He been through so many things, it would be a shame to just leave like that. To write, again, a letter to his "family" and then press the trigger. Of course it would be easier but is this what he really wanted ? Jay want to finally be alright, smile again, laugh again. Live again, without wondering why he is still alive or if he deserved to live. And after all how he is suppose to live with the guilt, the death, with the blood that stains his hands. Jay was a broken man. Been broken since a long time ago now. He need help to be fixed, the sooner will be the best. As the day past Jay will slowly won't be able to watch his broken reflection in the mirror, to see again and again what he did during war to see all those blood on his hands. It's killing him, it's consume him, he drowns. What will actually happen when he will go home tonight and will be alone in this dark apartment. Alone with his shadow, with his terrible thoughts, with the things that keep his brain in fire, with his guilt and his gun what would happen then ?

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**_So, what did you think of this chapter ? Any subjection for what you want to see in the next chapters. Tell me. :)  
_**


	6. I'm drowning Tony

**_Thank you again for all the review I really appreciate. :) Thanks to belle.0416__ for correcting this chapter. _**

**_ I love you all, enjoy this chapter. :) _**

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**_Chapter six : "I'm drowning Tony."_**

When Jay came back to his apartment he rummaged through his wardrobe before finding a box. The box where he kept all his old memories in. He sat on the floor and opened it. Inside the box there were many pictures of him and his unit, others of him with Gail and Danny Corson and there was the one he love the most. The one that brought him tears in the eyes, that broke his heart in pieces. There was his mother, the only photo he had of her. The only memory he will ever had on her resume to a simple picture. He put it on the floor near him as he grasped his "dog tag" and put it around his neck he stare at them during a few minutes and stay here, in his bedroom looking at his chains. Then his eyes catch this letter. His suicide letter he wrote many years ago, that he keeps carefully to never forget that one day he was close, really close to end his life and he owes is salvation to the bullet who was stuck in gun. Without that he would be dead. This time it was like he was back to the day he pressed his gun his temple. He was alone in his apartment, alone thinking about what would be the best for him. Jay wanted just one thing, to break free of the chains of the past. Afghanistan, his childhood, the blows of his father that he undergoes everyday until his mom's death. When he doesn't have nightmare about war it's the picture of his dad beating his mom to death that haunt him. How has he even survived to his childhood ? His little brother didn't.

Throughout his life he fought, but now he was tired of fighting. Fighting his demons that will never leave him, his nightmares. Jay Halstead was simply exhausted of surviving. He want to live although he don't really if he want to live or leave this word. When he seized his gun in his hands he got lost for about a minutes. But a few knocks at his door bring him back to the reality. However he didn't get up, he heard the door slowly open as someone approached. Antonio was standing in front of him he knelt near his coworker and take the gun off his hand.

"Give me that." He whispered. "What you where going to do ?" He ask calmly.

"I don't know. I just want...I'm tired Tony. Tired of fighting everything. I just...I just can't anymore. I can't look at myself in the mirror without thinking of my friend who died, the people I killed. I am ashamed of myself, ashamed of still be alive because I should be dead." He stopped and Antonio rose his hand to his shoulder, he don't say a thing, he was just listened . At this moment it was all Jay wanted, someone who just listen to him. "I miss my mom so much, I miss her smile, her voice. The song she sing to me every night. I hate myself not say anything when my fucking dad was beating us. I hate myself so much for haven't keep my promise to my brothers. "

"Jay..."

"You heard right ? You heard what I said to Ruzek." Antonio nodded quickly.

"It does not make you weak Jay. A friend of mine committed suicide years ago. I'm never judged him so would I judge you ?"

"You should. I...I shot a kid...I saw limbs...I...why are they calling me a hero Tony am I not."

"We need all need a hero and you are not a bad person you heard me. You are not a bad person Jay. It's...it's your medals ?" Antonio ask him as he grab the medals in his hands, Jay nodded without looking at him. "You should have done brilliant things to have them ?"

"I saved a kid back then, he was nearly five, I put my life in danger for this kid. His name was Aisa. I didn't get any medals for that. This kid...he...he give me this coin." Jay said as he pulled out a coin out of his pocket. "He died two weeks later. He died in my arms after after stepping on a mine...his legs...they where..." Jay didn't finish his sentence. He couldn't. Slowly the tears roll over his face as the memory of this kid resurface in his mind. It was too much. How he was suppose to handle all of this anymore ?

Antonio don't (didn't) know what to do so he just pulled Jay closer and take him in his arms. What was he suppose to say right now ? How he was suppose to comfort him and to make him better if it was even possible. The only thing that he was sure is that Jay couldn't be alone tonight, if he was he will for sure make a mistake.

"I can I live with those things I done Tony. How am I suppose to live with ? How ?"

"Come on, get up...you're not staying alone tonight. And tomorrow we...we're gonna help you Jay."

"I don't need help." He yelled as he got up quickly to face Antonio. The anger took place in him as the sadness and the guilt slowly gone. His jaw was clenched, his eyes were still red but Antonio could see the anger in his glance. "I don't need your fucking help, I need you to get out of my place and give me my gun back."

"What will happen if I give you the gun back Jay...What do you do then ? Will you...will you try? He hesitated.

"All I did during my life was fighting but I'm tired now. You can understand that ?

"Keep fighting Jay...for your family..."

"My family ? I don't have a family. My fucking dad killed my mom when I was 11...in front of me, Tony. My brother killed himself when he was fourteen because...I was in Afghanistan when I learn the news. I didn't protect Danny like I promised him, like I promised to mom or...sometime I dream about freedom you know...about death, but sometimes I dream about revenge. Killing this man who beat my mom to death or this priest who abused of my six year old brother. But then I remember that it will not bring them back." He stop during a few second, take a deep breath and continue. "You don't know how much I suffer when I was a kid, you don't know how many foster family Danny and I did, you don't know what happen in Afghanistan, you don't know how many people I killed. You know nothing about me."

"Hey...Jay look at me...we are your family." He stopped during a few seconds "Fight for Erin...keep fighting for her."

Suddenly Jay's legs became weak and he fell on his knees. His eyes were focus on the floor, his vision was blurred and the tears slowly run down his cheeks. "I'm drowning Tony." His voice was only whispered but nevertheless Antonio heard the cry for help of his friend.

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**_So what did you guys thought of this chapter ? Tell me your opinion. :) Any idea for the next chapters ?_ **


	7. Ready to die

**_Hi everyone :) Once again I want to_ ** _**thanks everyone for the reviews and Thank you to bella.0416 for correct this chapter. This is a short chapter but I hope you like it.**_

_**Enjoy. :)**_

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_**Chapter seven : Ready to die**_

It was calm and peaceful, even too much for someone like Jay. He was still holding the coins that the kid in Afghanistan gave him some years ago. His face came to his mind, he was so young, he didn't forget his face or his voice, his little hands, his big brown eyes and his thin curly hair. he was like so many kids in Afghanistan but there was something different about him, just one thing. He barely knew the kid but he could tell that he was brave. He was brave when he died, but he was only five or maybe six. This boy wasn't the only child that Jay saw dying. Unfortunately there was a plenty of kids were blown in pieces after walking on a mine.

And there were his friends, John, Anderson, Bobby, Jessica, Ellen...all dead. During or after. John step on a mine about ten years ago, he lost his legs and committed suicide at the hospital. Anderson was killed by a Taliban, Bobby committed suicide after he came back home. Like many soldiers, like Jay, Bobby suffer of post traumatic stress disorder. Jessica was killed too. She died in his arms, he remembered repeating after her the Hail Mary as he didn't know it. He was holding his hand when she died. And what can he tell about Ellen ? She saved his life several times and he wasn't to save her just one time. And there is so much more of his friends who died after or during war. He lost so much, he can't even say a number.

"Jay, you know we can't save everybody." Antonio told him.

"I lost so many friends, you know those people were my family, and many of them are dead today. I miss them so much Tony. Will you...blame me if...I decide that death is the only way."

Jay could tell by his glance that Antonio was shock by his question. Instead of answering Antonio put one hand of his shoulder and said "I promise you it's gonna be better. You're gonna be alright."

"How ?" He ask tears in his eyes. "You don't even understand what I said, what I fell...and don't you dared tell me that you can because you know it's a lie. You can't Tony. You can't."

Right now Jay wanted just one thing, he wanted the forgiveness, he wanted to change what he did, change the past, but he can't. Change the mistakes he made, be there for his little brother, protect him and being the brother he should have been for him.

For the moment the most important was to be better, to finally resurface and breathe. But how ? Jay spent the night wondering how he could finally be alright, how he could deal and live with what he saw or did, the friends he lost. But it's not possible and he knew that. And in the early hours he hadn't a single answer. It's why he got up of the couch and left Antonio's house. It was still dark outside and Jay was walking without a but. At nearly seven in the morning he took his gun. The gun that Antonio took from his hands some hours ago and walked toward Erin's place. He knock at the door but there was not answer. He turned his back and let his body slide against the wall to slowly fall on the floor. His eyes were focused on his gun. It was only a matter of time before he pressed it against his temple.

For the second time in his life Jay was gave up, he was tired of fighting, tired to live with the guilt, he was simply exhausted. He came here to see her but she didn't even seem to worry about him. Less than a hour ago Jay was wondering how he could finally be better, he might have find the solution. He slowly rose his hand and pressed his gun against his temple. He was ready, ready to go, ready to be free.

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**_So What did you guy think of this chapter ?_**


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